Thursday, November 8, 2012

First Things First


How you doin? *in my Wendy voice*

Me? I'm doing...better. When I tell you 2012 has been a hell of a year for me...I mean that as literally as possible. I've grown up in ways that had you asked me last year, I would have told you something resembling "Uh uh you can't tell me nuffin'". Just 'cause you leave your teens doesn't mean you leave your know-it-all attitude behind. At least it didn't for me. Fortunately, life has a way of (re)teaching you what you thought you knew (think Jay and Bey circa 2002 when she was "Crazy In Love"), doesn't it?

Don't get me wrong. I've learned my fair share of hard lessons. There was the time when I was 18 and moved to Snellville, GA from the concrete jungle of Rosedale, Queens. only Rosedale folks think it's the hood but we all know I get my street cred from BK. Anyway, shell shocked and too grown (or so I thought) to be told by my father that I couldn't be on my own cell phone after eleven o'clock at night, I learned real quick: Time for me to go! I wasn't about that life. I learned a lot about myself then too. Namely, how to work two jobs and get my own crib. Lesson: you aint grown til you in your own place, paying your own bills. You can talk on the phone to your heart's content.

And then of course there was the time when I was 23 and my little brother was killed and my boyfriend went up north. I learned a lot then too. Like how to lose a loved one and keep pressing on. Lesson: The world doesn't stop when you suffer a loss and neither can you.

But this year? This year still holds up amongst the best and worst of 'em. I could spend this whole post musing about my lessons of years' past but I won't. First, because I don't have the time and truth be told, neither do you (to read it in one long post at least). Secondly, because a girl does need material. In short though,what I learned most is that it wasn't all about me. A little late at 28 I know, but work with me here. I'm growin', I'm learnin' (however slow you may think me :-p). But anywho, I digress. I've always felt like because I don't have any children, my life is my own to do what (and who) I please. Though that may be true (to an extent), what I do with my life and time has a profound effect on those around me. Go figure.

This year, my mother took ill and being an only child, the responsibility to care for her fell to me. I've always been a Mommy's girl so to play my position didn't count as much of a burden or an issue. As much as my mother has done for me? Chile please. It's the least I can do. Really.

But truth be told, it didn't leave much time for me. And definitely no time for blogging. First things first and best believe momma comes first! Now that she's good, I'm good. Time to regroup and I'm focused...MAN!

Taking time off from my life did help me put a few things in perspective though. Helped me realize what's important and it aint the Gucci bag I want for Christmas. I mean if you want to get for me, I ain't no saint. Mama will take it! But honestly, bags and shoes don't rank at the top of my priority list. Achieving my goals and being there for the people that love me? That's what gets me going.

Tough times and all, I'm that much closer to getting my degree and even closer to knowing that I can have whatever my little heart desires. That starts with my writing. God gives us all gifts and I'm not in the business of wasting mine. Like Sonny told Calogero in "A Bronx Tale", there's nothing worse in this life than wasted talent. Who can afford to waste something that is not so abundantly distributed? I know I can't!

In the end, spit happens. It does. Though we can't always control what happens, we can control our reaction to it. My reaction to my trials and tribulations of the past year led me to become more aware and more driven towards the task at hand. Sometimes you have to take a step back to take a step forward, and that's exactly what I did.

But she's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.......................................

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