As I sit here, beyond exhausted, on the bus heading downtown Brooklyn to handle some business, namely a trip to the unemployment office, I'm being hit with the harsh reality that the fun is done and real life didnt wait for me to come back from vacation. While I was partying hardy at LIV on Sunday *cue Weezy*, a nightclub in the luxe Fontainebleau Hotel on Miami's South Beach, listening to Chris Brown belt out "I work too hard to be ballin' on a budget", I debated whether to have another drink or make sure I had some emergency money left, as well as a few dollars just in case I wanted breakfast after the club. I stood there and realized I was the poster child for ballin' on a budget *cheese*. Trust and believe, I did it and did it well, but I'd be lying if I said when they were asking for sixty dollars at the door, it didn't make me cringe to see others pull it out while I myself knew it was between fronting to get into LIV, and me being a few dollars too short for anything else.
Now let me be frank, I'm never gonna go broke to front. To put on a show or perpetrate a fraud. But I will go next to broke to live my life with no regrets. I'm adventurous what can I say? *shrugs* Some people wait til they have thousands, and some even millions in the bank before they can start to live. But me? I know tomorrow's not promised and I can't die with the little bit of duckets that I do have. All things considered, I live a damn good life. But that doesn't make the reality of Monday any less harsher.
A few months back, when I got laid off, I told ya'll that one monkey dont stop no show. The months have been good to me seeing as how I still have a roof over my head, I eat well (I aint drop no pounds), and I've been able to socialize. But as far as taking it to the next level, not having financial freedom has hindered me.
Because the ocean does something for me that nothing else can, I decided to go to the beach dolo, at five thirty in the morning, while in Miami to watch the sunrise. As I watched in awe, the beauty of the sun coming up from behind the ocean, I took some time to reflect on not only the future but the here and now. Right now, I'm good. But I'm aiming for great. I'd met a cool gentleman while I was out there and we got into a conversation about strengths and weaknesses. I know mine and they say knowing is half the battle, right?
Procrastination beats me down like the sun when I'm wearing black. For some reason, it's like a monkey that I can't get off my back. A weakness. But I come from Bed Stuy (home of that Boy Biggie...oh my bad I just heard HOV in my head), and they don't call it do or die for nothing. I'm resilient. A strength. What I lack in drive, I make up for in persistence. But as I listened to the waves roar I wondered, what's one without the other?
This aint Craig's house in Friday (ham no burger), this is real life and I need to make sure my cabinets are fully stocked with essentials. Being in Miami and seeing the life I could be living as opposed to the one I am, motivated me to start to get my house in order. My twenties have been a journey in finding me, Miss White, and what works and doesn't work for me. If you know me, you know I march to the beat of my own drum, and that's fine. But before the tune was more abstract. A bit like a scat if you know anything about jazz. Now I'm looking for a tune with a little more structure. Hell, maybe even some sheet music. I need focus now more than ever and my trip showed me that.
LIV on Sundays was cool. I partied like a rockstar with the likes of Weezy and every other familiar face that was up in there. But hunni, I'm trying to BE the rockstar! Time to "hustle hard" so I can be at King of Diamonds on Monday, instead of here on this bus.